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SO, YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?Henrylito D. TacioLabel | tacio MARRIAGE is an intimate, personal union of a man and woman. It is consummated and continuously nourished by the physical and spiritual union. It is perfected in a life-long partnership of mutual love and commitment. It is also a social institution regulated by the Word of God, laws and customs. Marriage is so important in one’s life yet many give little real thought to it. Most marriage counselors advice that we should not to marry in haste and repent in leisure. Gina Cerminara, a well-known American psychologist, once remarked: “Marriage is not for a moment; it is a lifetime (commitment). It requires long and serious preparation. It is not to be leaped into, but entered with solemn steps of deliberation. For one of the most intimate and difficult human relationship is that of marriage.” In other words, before getting married, make sure you know what you are facing. It’s your – and your spouse’s – future that is at stake. Make sure you are in love. This is the first thing you need to consider before tying the nuptial knot. Love should be the beginning point in any discussion of matrimony. Never should your motive be so pure in all of life. How tragic it is indeed when someone admits, “I married because I had to, not because I truly loved that person.” Love, so goes a line of a popular song, is a many-splendored thing. But then, love should not be based only on your feeling or emotion. Beyond the warmth and glow, the excitement and romance, what is love, really? In his book, "A Touch of Wonder," author Arthur Gordon explains the real meaning of love in these words: “Real love is caring as much about the welfare and happiness of your marriage partner as about your own. It is not possessive or jealous; it is liberating; it sets you free to become your best self. Real love is not total absorption in each other; it is looking outward in the same direction – together. Love makes burdens lighter, because you divide them. It makes joys more intense, because you share them. It makes you stronger, so that you can reach out and become involved with life in ways you dared not risk alone.” The Holy Bible gives us the definite meaning of love in First Corinthians 13:4-7: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.” The basis for marriage is not pleasing nor running away from a parent, desire for wealth, or failure to know your true self, but love for the one you marry. If you marry in order to run from frustrations in your life, you may only compound your misery. Be true to yourself and dare not proceed farther unless you are thoroughly positive you love your future mate unreservedly and devotedly. This reminds us of the words of a family friend who told us: “Marriage has different attractions for different people. Those who marry for love want something wonderful and they sometimes get it. The people who marry because they want to escape something usually don’t.” How true, how true. If in case you have at least two boyfriends or two girlfriends, take a cue from English author Sydney Harris: “When a man cannot chose between two women, or a woman between two men, they should choose neither – for love is not a scale to be balanced or a slide rule to be calculated, and the very act of having to choose between the two indicates that neither is right.” Volumes and volumes have been written giving advice as to the proper age for marriage. Age, however, varies with individuals. But a more important factor is maturity. Are you mature enough to know your purpose in life? Mature enough to take constructive criticism? Mature enough to leave your parents, forsaking all others, and to cleave only to this special one for you? Mature enough to understand the make-up and complexity of human personality? Only you – and you alone – could answer those questions. And if you think you are now mature enough to face the reality, then go ahead, by all means, get married to the person you love. But love and maturity are not enough. There are other things you need to consider prior to marriage. These are the most important ones: * Make sure both of you have discussed frankly and have a meeting of minds on finances, your family in the future, future education and/or vocation so as to avoid friction later in life. Fortunate are those who give thought to the future. “Before Glenn and I got married,” Marian Calixtro recalls, “we talk about how many children we would have, whether I quit working once we will have children, and whether he would continue his doctorate studies. We are building a family and I think it was good that we have built the foundation first.” * Establish good relations with your future in-laws prior to as well as following matrimony. The person you marry is from a family and necessarily will be influenced to a certain extent by this family. This is particularly true in most Asian cultures. “I never take in-law relationships for granted,” Gregory Ira contends. “Both my wife and I work consciously to cement a happy connection with my our respective family.” The ideal is to have a very little in-law interference in your family but at the same time mutual love and respect. * Plan your wedding thoroughly. Make your wedding a most happy and exciting occasion. The pleasant memories of this event will linger like the theme of a beautiful symphony in the days ahead. However, avoid the extremes of spending too much or too little for the wedding. Let common sense prevail. How should you take marriage in these days of crass materialism? For one, take marriage as an abiding union. As stated earlier, marriage is not just for a day or a year. It is a life-long relationship. Once you get into it, you cannot turn back. Two, take marriage as a sacred union between you and your partner. This is because God planned it in the very beginning. He instituted and blessed it (read Genesis 2:24-25). Three, take marriage as a living union. It moves, acts, and seeks to find its identity. It grows from day to day to become strong and mature. Lastly, take marriage as a timeless union. It remains regardless of circumstances, place or time. Someone once asked: “Is it possible to have a tasteful marriage?” It’s possible, if you put SALT into your marriage. SALT means: * Submit yourself to each other as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:21). In marriage, your spouse has power over you. You should not love for yourself but for each other. * Accept each as God accepted you in Jesus Christ. God took you to Himself even though you are unworthy. In the same manner, you should accept each other without reservation. * Love each other as Jesus Christ loved you and gave Himself for you (Ephesians 5:25). Listen to the words of Craig Massey: “Love is enjoying the other person’s enjoyment of you. If two people want to be enjoyed by one another, the only competition will be to outlove.” * Trust each other in every way and in everything. Marriage is hurt when even a small distrust cracks in between you and your spouse. William A. Ward was right when he said: “Trust that has been built over a lifetime can be destroyed in a moment, by a betrayal of the basic ingredients upon which that trust was established.” Housewives should trust their partners in leading the family. Husbands should trust their spouses with their money for family use. Finally, here are some words of advice from Ogden Nash: “To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup; Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.” Are there marriages made in heaven? Yes, there are. Here is a copy of the letter of American evangelist Billy Graham to his wife, Ruth Bell Graham, given two days before their twentieth wedding anniversary: “How can I find words to express my appreciation for all you have meant to me. Your love and patience with me in my ups and downs… have meant more to me than you will ever know. Your counsel, advice, encouragement and prayer have been my mainstay – and at times I have almost clung to you in my weakness, in hours of obsession, problems and difficulties. ‘Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor from the Lord.’ (Proverbs 18:22) One reason that in spire of my lack of spirituality, discipline and consecration I have found favor of the Lord is because of you. I found a good wife and as a result have found favor with God. “It seems that in the recent months of my capacity to love you has been increased – I did not think that age would bring greater and deeper love – but it has and is. I love the wife of my youth more every day! When we are apart, I miss you so much more than I used to. A week seems like a month. Yes, I am thankful to God for you. What a wonderful helpmeet He provided – certainly our marriage was planned in heaven. I am thankful for the five precious children you bore me – each one a bundle of joy. And what a wonderful mother you have been to them! No child ever had a greater mother than our children. You may compare yourself to Susana Wesley and thin you are a failure – but she did not rear her family in a modern, secular society. For our generation, you are near perfection.” -- *** |
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